Eldest daughter to eldest daughter telepathy: On expectations,

womanhood, and more

ARTICLE: MARIAN LUISA PALO | DECEMBER 15, 2023

Photo from Welma Alves Santos | via. Pexels

It is no secret, especially on the vast internet, that eldest daughters have this telepathic phenomenon where they just agree with their shared experiences. Questions such as “Are you okay or are you the eldest daughter?” can be seen over and over again on the feed. Humorous it may seem to watch them joke amongst each other, but in hindsight, the ‘bonding’ actually carries heavy, regrettable weight.

I can vouch. I’m an eldest daughter.

Being born first, expectations not only come from our families but also from people beyond the walls of our homes—an example to your younger siblings, a second parent, and because you’re a woman still living with the patriarchal notion that women must bear household responsibilities, you’re expected to hold the house together too. These are just a few pounds off the scale, but if you know, you know.

People have actually coined a term for this universal experience—the “eldest daughter syndrome.” It’s not a legitimate medical diagnosis, but it’s recognized as a way to validate that eldest daughters are going through the same thing.

Proving I’m not alone, I sat down with fellow eldest daughters who, like me, are now facing adulthood still carrying the familiar feeling of our situations.

Fiala, a 22-year-old sister to three siblings, expressed a strong relation to the syndrome, especially that she works hand-in-hand with her mother while struggling to fill in her absent father’s place. Growing as if she was ‘shoved into treacherous waters,’ Fiala honed a model sibling mindset, anxious that her siblings might be influenced, and learnt to sacrifice her wants and needs to cater to them.

“I would receive ‘tough love’ from my father in the form of physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse so that I could be ‘shaped’ into a better person to protect and guide my siblings,” she shared along the lines of sacrifice.

When problems arise, Fiala’s default reaction was to fix them, even if they were out of her control. And, amidst the difficulty, Fiala is still a student. “I don’t have the most fool-proof timeline that would guarantee both my school and household responsibilities would be met, so I try to be as flexible as possible,” she expressed.

Also relating, Andrea, a 23-year-old sister to one sibling, struggled growing up since both of her parents were working abroad, leaving her with her brother and grandmother. Realizing the expectations she had to carry, she ‘developed a tough personality.’

Being a ‘good example’ had marked her because of her brother’s difficulty in school. Despite not being compared, people would still point at her whenever something ‘bad’ would happen because she’s the older one.

People often tell Andrea that she shouldn’t make her parents worry since they’re far away and that she should maintain a ‘good image’ to defer comments about her upbringing. Like Fiala, Andrea also noted a heavy burden weighing on her whenever problems arise: pressure—which she directly hears from her father and aunts.

Both Fiala and Andrea not-so-positively affirmed that their experiences made them more mature than their actual age. Fiala felt akin to a second parent, having to be ‘wiser than her actual age’ and ‘take up responsibilities that a child should never be forced to undertake.’ Andrea, on the other hand, was conditioned to think that crying was a sign of weakness and childishness.

Though we are only a fragment of many eldest daughters, it's safe to say our stories reflect almost every experience that rounds up to the syndrome being a thing. There’s an underlying cause: it's that society still adheres to gender norms and holds unimaginable expectations towards women—and eldest daughters are expected to be the microcosm.

Eldest daughters deserve a taste of humanity and compassion the same way everyone does, not bound by timelines and standards people continue to impose.

Despite these plights, eldest daughters stay strong and together try hard to break the cycle.

“It's hard to free ourselves from the expectations of others, especially from our parents, but learn to live up to nobody's expectations. They may not learn to let go of their expectations, but you can outgrow yours,” Andrea tells fellow eldest daughters. “Give yourself the experience of winning and losing in life without unrealistic expectations and enjoy it.”

We, too, are still children with dreams of our own, waiting to be let out of the jailing sacrifice that we were born with, so we could catch up to so much of youth we missed out on. (Maybe then we can joke about it on the internet less, too!)